I had a dream the other day; I didn’t quite remember what exactly it is. But I know that I have to write everything detail about my divorce down, that is the thought from when I wake up from this dream.
It is a long story. And it will be a tearing writing for me too. But I’ll be brave for sure because of You, my Lord.
Should I start from the beginning? When I and the ex were still boy-girl friend, the feelings between me and he goes on and off, and when one day the feeling is right, we married. Again the feelings between me and he still goes up and down. My suggestion for other couples is, before the conflicts are solved; do not go onto the next step. I think this is the one big reason for my divorce. And I believe that also leads out some other fuses to the divorce.
Before I become a believer, I challenge God on giving me a kid. I am then married for more than 3 years, and I am longing to have a kid, I say to Him in my mind, “if I can pregnant now, I’ll become a Christian right away". Very soon after that, I find out that, I am pregnant. I feel both happy and frightened at the same time, I say to Him again, "Jesus, for that is too soon for me to become a believer, I am not ready yet, how about, if my first born is a boy, then I’ll keep my promise for sure." my first born is a boy. God give me free will to make decision.
We came to America together for studying, the second year, my older son was born. I had a part time job and was getting my master degree at that time. So technically, my older one has a master degree also. And I got the most A’s for my classes in my life, probably because the professors appreciate my efforts on that special condition.
As I am busy during pregnancy and with studying, then with taking care with my new born son all together, I kind of forgot about the promise thing with the Lord.
Then before the older one’s 2nd birthday, for some reasons, the father had to go back to Taiwan. I stay alone with my son and continue the studying. My parents came to live with us at almost the same time. Shortly after that I go to church then baptized become a Christian. At first, the reason for my going to church is for my son can get a lot more attentions and cares and chances to get along with some other same age kids. I later become a devoted Christian myself.
I still remember when I first go to church, at the beginning; I always pretend that I have to stay with my son at the child care center because I assume that, "he is too young to leave with other same age kids and the child care givers alone." I stay with him the whole time to get away from the church worship time. then one day, one sister, who is also the one encourage me to come to church and drives us to church and back home from church for she ask nothing in return. She probably secretly notice it, so one Sunday, she finally ask me that, "let me take your son to the child care center for you, so you can stay and enjoy the whole service." and that is the very same day, I was touched by one of the worship song deeply. I was tearing nonstop without any reason. I then was acknowledged that I was touched by the Holy Spirit. I repent to the Lord, take baptism classes, and then baptized. I cannot believe it takes that long for me to give my promise to the Lord and become a Christian. It happens spontaneously. It is better than never.
After the father went back to Taiwan, at first, for couples of years, his still send money to support our living and contacting with us regularly via letters and phone calls and come to visit us each year. I also still want a 2nd child badly, and I don’t want 2 different dads for them. As our relationship is not firm and steady, the long-distance relationship is terrible for me. Still again the Lord Answers part of my prayer, I soon was expecting my 2nd child. I have 2 boys instead of 1 boy and 1 girl, for the Lord must know that I decide to get a divorce. Raising 2 boys is surely easier than raising 1 boy and 1 girl for a single mom like me.
When my younger one was born, the father came for the birth of child. But I almost have no feelings about him. He still calls us after he went back to Taiwan, but I do not want to talk to him at all, I always handed the phone to the older one. Soon he stop calling us any longer not mention about the child support, it stops long before.
With couple years struggle, I then decide to get a divorce. No longer need to answer others, “the father is working aboard". I just bravely reply, "I am a single mom with 2 loving sons."
and before I can make up my mind to find a divorcing lawyer myself, I literally stop going to church for some time, for I know, if not, I’ll still have myself stay in that unreal marriage. That will hurt even more for me and my kids. For the divorce paper, I only ask for the signature from him, no child support or anything, not even take away the children visiting privilege from him. Which no one thought that is a wise or right decision. But if we do spend time, money or energy on getting benefits and/or take away any privilege from him, that the unwise thing to do.
Giving up your own children, is the worst determination, a person can make. You miss the most precocious moments of your life. I never regret on divorcing. Lord is watching over my family, especially my kids. We are never alone or unloved. Actually we get lots more adorations than we can think of.
Psalm 127:3 Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him.
Around 11 years ago, I lost my job, the job with fair and steady income. The company is applying for my green card at that time; I lost my legal status in America. My relationship is tearing apart. I feel that I am nobody, I want to quit on everything. There is no hope; I cannot even see where way out of the mess is.
Praise the Lord; if it is not because my kids, I’ll not have the chance to get to know You, I would give up on my faith and everything long ago.
Jesus at the Centerhttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XQspvrTBd6E
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